Memories.

My memories hit me like a ten ton brick sometimes. One moment I’m here. The next I’m back in church on that night.

I was walking down the hallway, standing in the line, entering the bathroom door on the left. I had listened to three songs..did my part..worshipped the Lord..now I had to pee. God could forgive that…couldn’t he?

I was washing my hands when I heard the footsteps. Hopefully Jeremy or Colton. Probably not though. I exited the bathroom. Hoping to make a quick escape before whoever it was came out of the mens room. I was not lucky.

“Psst, Rachel come here.”

It was Jordan. I hated Jordan. So I sped up, hoping to get away. No such luck. He caught me with one powerful arm and groped my breast with his left hand.

“No, Jordan leave me alone. I just want to go back to the sermon.”

“But we can be together right now. We can get away with anything. No one will notice.” His grip tightens the more I struggle.

“Let me go!” I struggle even more.

He begins to walk towards a lone door on the left of the hallway. I drag my shoes and try to catch myself on the wall. He’s too strong for me to get away.

“Jordan please just let me go.”

“Why don’t you want me? Come on.”

“No! I hate you! Leave me alone!”

He slammed me down into the floor and I almost began to cry. He pushed my skirt up and pulled my panties down.

“No, JORDAN STOP!”

He pushed me down and put his hand over my mouth, shoving two of his fingers into my vagina. I went still in fear. All of the “I would kick him there.” and the “I would scream loudly.” just went away. It was just me silently struggling to get Jordan off of me. I couldn’t cry out, could barely move, save me trying to get his fingers away from me. I cried in terror.

Someone walked down the hallway and that scared Jordan off me. Finally. He looked at the blood on his fingers and then smiled down at me.

“You should learn how to have sex, I’ll wear a condom for you.”

“Just leave me alone.” I said tearfully, getting up and leaving.

I felt so dirty. A warm sensation started to soak my legs. Blood. I ran to the bathroom for a second time and cleaned myself as thoroughly as I could. I walked out to the service, and back to my mom.

“Mom, I think I started my period.”

“Again? You were just on it last week.” She gave me an odd look.

I looked down and mumbled “Can you just give me a pad, please?”

“Fine.” She gave me another odd look. I walked away, back to the bathroom to put the pad on, hoping that it would stop the bleeding.

After church: (In the van)

“I wish dad would just hurry up.” Remarked Clinton, my older brother.

“Mom, I need to talk to you when we get home.” I whispered in her ear.

“You know you can’t say that. I worry, get out of the van, tell me now.”

We stepped out of the van and I looked at her and then I started crying.

“M-mom, it was when I went to the bathroom…and it-it was Jordan…and he pulled me into ano-another room. And-and he started to touch me.” At that I started to cry. And so did she.

This is an actual memory. It hurts. Its been two years and it still haunts me. I can’t even finish. But I can tell you that I was blamed for it. Blamed for all of it. No one ever believes me.

Maybe you will…

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~ by dcreature93 on July 10, 2010.

One Response to “Memories.”

  1. Rachel honey, I can’t believe I never knew the complete story. I had to choke back the tears while reading this. It made me feel your pain, and it kills me to know that happened to you. I know that you know that I think about hurting Jordan every time this is brought up, but the feeling was never as strong as it is now. I now realize something. I’m sorry for disliking the way you act now, but I didn’t realize it till now that you act the way you do today to cope with that horrid memory. I’m so sorry for ever telling you how much I dislike your behavior. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Now I completely understand where your negativity and depression is coming from. I should’ve realized sooner. You are now a lot stronger than you once was, and I’m glad. That way, you’ll never be done that way ever again. As long as you have Terr and me, you’ll be okay. Never forget that. I’m so sorry hun. Please forgive my forgetfullness. You’re like a sister to me, and I’ll do anything for you. I’m always here. If that memory even dares to haunt you, at any time, please talk to me. I’ll always be there.
    😦 I’m so sorry.

    I love ya girl.

    –heather

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